I'm . . . . Fine?

"I'm fine" is something that I hear almost everyday. And I hate it. To a person that suffers with depression it doesn't mean what everyone else thinks it does. To me, and other people, it is a to get people to stop asking if we are okay. It's a way to tell people that we are dying inside without telling anyone we are. It's not just a response that is 'okay'.

"I'm fine 

F:alling apart 

I:nsecure 

N:ot good enough, ever 

E:mpty inside"

      ~ A.H. 

Fine is not a word to use to answer, it is a word that is used to avoid. When someone says that they are fine, look them in the eye and ask if they are really okay. Most of the time they will say that they are okay, but some of the time they will break down and need you to hold them. Don't think that everyone is okay just because they say that they are okay. They can be dying inside. And if they don't tell you that they aren't okay, maybe they are one of the lucky few and actually are okay. 

If you look up "I'm fine depression" you would be surprised by how many pictures that there are. Or maybe you know already how messed up the world is and you aren't even surprised in the slightest. Just keep in mind that they next time that you say those two words that maybe you aren't just fine, and that maybe you do need help. 

Picture from Picture Quotes 

Saying "I'm fine" over and over again doesn't make it true. I know that feeling that if you say it over and over again you will trick your mind into thinking that you are okay, even though you know fully well that you aren't okay or fine or whatever you are trying to trick yourself into thinking. Sometimes you just have to I've adamant that you are not okay, and that is okay. Take a day for yourself. Read, watch your favorite show, drink your favorite drink, cuddle with something, go for a walk, do
something for yourself, because you deserve it. I know that those things may not help everyone, but you do deserve a day to yourself to treat your self right, even if it is just for a few hours. 

Well now that you know "I'm fine" doesn't mean I'm fine, are you going to keep saying it, or are you going to help people who say it? 

p.s. I love you and you are a gift to this world and anyone who doesn't see that is not worth your time. 

My Journey

I started off this blog with one of my favorite quotes and after a while I started running out of quotes to use. I went into the internet and grabbed random ones from there. I have tried to not use the same topic twice, but I did. I somehow combined topics of posts together and made something . . . . well very like me. Strange and different. My blog didn't just only get better, but I had my friends in real life say that I have changed and became more open, about my life and things that go on in it.

I can't really say that my blog got better, but I can say that I feel like it has. We all know saying and feeling like it, is different. This post is short about that is about all I can say about this topic.

Something Must be Wrong

People have been romanticizing anxiety for a long time now, and let me tell you now that it is anything but pretty. They go something like this:

                                                                       "Body shakes

  Heart races

  Can't think straight

  Not able to sit still

  Fidget for a hour 

  Something must be wrong

  Something must be wrong

  Stomach is turning

  Head is reeling 

  Fidget fidget

  Leg shakes

  Foot taps

  Hair is pulled

  Skin is bitten

  Flesh scratched

  Blue skin appears

  Something must be wrong

  Something must be wrong

  This is an anxiety attack."

~ A.H.

It is not something that is pretty, or something that should be remembered as being beautiful. When a person is pulling at their sleeves and rocking back and forth, it's not something to romanticize. It is a real disorder that a lot of people have, about 40 million adults in the U.S. have one form of anxiety or another.     

Picture source: Gallery Hip

In the picture above it is showing some of the symptoms of an anxiety attack. As you can tell it is not a very pretty thing, and even less fun to have. I hear this a lot "she said she had anxiety attack just to get out of class" well that may be what happened, but most of the time it is because they had an anxiety attack. Imagen having your body trembling all over, your heart racing, your brain telling you something is wrong, and that you don't sleep much or when you do sleep it is a terrible sleep that only gives you energy for an hour or two. Can you imagen that? Can you see how draining that is on a person?

Picture from: Genius

I can see that you didn't know how bad the attacks are or that you didn't know what it does to a person. But now that you know what it is like I hope you stop romanticizing it as much as you do right now. One place that is really bad with romanticizing mental illness is Tumblr. They make it seam like have depression and anxiety is the best thing in the world. And that if you have them then you can gain entrence to an all exclusive club. Let me tell you now that it is nothing as amazing as that.

You stay wake for long times wondering how you messed up that day, or freaking out over something as small as a hair out of place. You don't feel the need to eat, or you feel the need to eat everything in sight. You don't sleep, but when you do you have hellish nightmares. It is not something to strive to want. In fact once you get it, you spend most of your energy pretending to be just fine and normal, or as normal as you can be. You become an expert at faking a smile and keeping the pain out of your voice when you say "I'm fine" or "I'm okay". You take pills, just so that you won't have those thoughts in your head anymore. You feel like breaking now at any second. Your body is always trembling. Your mind is the worst place to be alone.

What is there to want? What is there to love about anxiety? 

Semicolons, Gotta Love 'em

I've been wanting to write a post about this for a while now; well here goes nothing, sorry if it sounds strange or creepy. The semicolon project is something that I have done since it first came out in 2013. So for about two years I have been drawing a semicolon on my left wrist. Sometimes I write a word (ex: warrior) and exchange the i with a semicolon. If you don't know what the semicolon project is, it is basically for people that self-harm, have depression, anxiety, or are going through a rough patch in life to help remember that their story isn't quite over just yet.

"A semicolon is used when a sentence could have been ended but it wasn't."
      - Unknown

The sentence is your life and you are the author, see it out a little long is all it means. Choose to live a little longer and prove that you can do it, show them that they were wrong. Life will throw curveballs at you and it will suck terribly bad. But there are some things that are worth living for. Music, movies, books, those friends, that one series that isn't over yet, or even that one day that hasn't come, but will come.

You can make it to the sunrise. And to the next one and the one after that. Life will try to drag you down, it is your mission to make sure that that doesn't happen. Think of it like a game. The more you stand up, the more you win. The more you stay down, the more you lose. And who likes to lose?


"Whatever you do in life will be insignificant but it's very important that you do it, cause nobody else will."
      - Gandhi

As sad as that sounds it is really true. Only some people get to be remembered for the rest of the worlds history, and only some are remembered for things that made the world a better place. Who knows maybe your smile will give someone the courage to go on that day. "Well if they can still smile and go on so can I."

Picture source: The Un-Better Half

Love Yourself?

Recently, I have been watch RuPaul's Drag Race. Not only is the show really funny, but it is also very empowering. It talks about being comfortable in your own skin and that is you want something, it isn't just going to show up, you have to work for it. Also it has drag queens, which makes it so amazing. At the end of each episode RuPaul tells the contestants:

"If you can't love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else?"
     - RuPaul

Picture from Artatm 

I kinda agree, but disagree with that quote. I don't really believe that you have to love yourself to love somebody else. Because if you had to love yourself to love someone else, most people wouldn't be in love or have a person that loves them. My friend pointed out that it helps to love yourself so the relationship is not a poisonous one. If you don't love yourself you will become very uncomfortable in the relationship, thinking that they are doing to leave you at anytime, or that they are just using you. It will come to the point where the person you are seeing will not want to tell you that you are amazing just the way you are, and they will leave you. And we both know that will just shatter anything you have left of self respect.

Picture from Pics Hunger

Sometimes it won't end like that, maybe they will help build you up so that you can stand on your own. Somedays without them and when you need to lean on them they will be there. I think that even your friends can do that for you, so don't worry about missing out on something.
I really like the picture to left, because it can be taken two way or more ways. It can be taken that the people are ripping the heart apart, or that they are putting the heart back together with they help of the other person.

So, back to that quote it is very useful to love yourself or at least be okay with yourself to love someone. What do you guys think? 

Finals + Silence = Hell; Music + Finals = Savior

Finals the best time of the year! Don't we all love it so dearly!? Stress comes in waves. Not caring comes in waves.  Anxiety picks up its level. Yea not a very fun time for me. Studying till your brain feels like it is going to melt. Felling like if you don't study you will fail the tests. And then have a huge downfall of everything. Your grades will get bad, you won't get into a good college, you will end up working at Burger King, and maybe end up homeless.

I don't know about you but I find music relaxes me. There is this weird sound alpha wave thingy that helps me stay constrained, here's the link.  (I wrote a five page essay while listening to it.)

Picture source: College Info Geek 

I find that music helps me calm down when I am freaking out about something, no matter how small. It may not get rid of my freaking out completely, but it does stop it from getting any worse. One song that I listen to when I freak out big time is "Waiting for Superman" by Daughtry. The first time I heard it I loved it and it calmed me down more than I can describe. I went out and bought it. I was reading a book for about three or two hours all the time listening to that one song on repeat and I still don't hate it. It is jus that one song that I can listen to for hours on end and not get bored of it. The lines: 

"She’s waiting for superman

To lift her up and take her anywhere
Show her love and climbing through the air
Save her now before it’s too late tonight"

shows, to me, that everyone may be waiting and hoping for someone to come and save them. Who knows how many times that does happen. Most people have to save themselves. But if you watch the music video it tells a different story. The 'superman' that was saving them got treated like the bad by the people he saved. If you haven't seen or listen to the song I suggest listening to it now. Trust me you won't be wasting your time and if it does waste your time I'm terribly sorry. 

Well, now I have to go and study like crazy for my finals. Hope everyone does well and passes your finals, whenever they may be. Good luck and goodbye! :)

Pain Will Pass, Quitting Lasts

This weekend I was at a karate tournament. It was really a lot of fun! You get to see all these forms (just a random form I found on the internet) that you didn't know excited and see how amazing they are. You get to watch fights between two black belts and made up self-defense scenarios that are sometimes hilarious. This time I tried out continues sparing. It is when you spar of a minute straight have a brake for about thirty seconds then you are back for another round. It may not sound so bad, but you are getting pounded for a minute straight. Needless to say I lost. I was told that losing by thirty points isn't much and in my first fight I lost by about fifty, so I guess that isn't so bad.

Picture of my right arm

Now I have two bruised arms, a shin that hurts to walk on, and a back that so sore it hurts to bend down. But I would do the fight again, and I'm going to start running so I get better endurance and don't get tired next time I fight continues. Well one of the bruises was my own fault, I broke weird, so now I have a bruise almost the same size as my hand on my right arm.

"Pain is temporary. Quitting is forever."
      - Lance Armstrong

Like the quote says pain will end up going away, no matter how bad it is. But quitting. . . is forever. If something is trying to keep down don't let it keep trying to win. Don't give up. The pain will pass and the victory will be even sweeter. 

If you ask a black belt what belt they are some will say that they are a white belt that never gave up, and I will not give up. I will not be known as a quitter.

Don't give up. Keep going at it. You will get there and you will be even more happy that you had to fight for it. What taste sweeter: strawberries that you bought or strawberries that you pick? Yes, having people do things for you sometimes is amazing and wonderful, but it can't happen all the time. Go out and be what you want to be. If someone tells you, you can't do it. It will be even sweeter when you do.

Remember pain will pass. Quitting will last for a very long time.

Picture of my left arm it is darker in person (I think)