I'm . . . . Fine?

"I'm fine" is something that I hear almost everyday. And I hate it. To a person that suffers with depression it doesn't mean what everyone else thinks it does. To me, and other people, it is a to get people to stop asking if we are okay. It's a way to tell people that we are dying inside without telling anyone we are. It's not just a response that is 'okay'.

"I'm fine 

F:alling apart 

I:nsecure 

N:ot good enough, ever 

E:mpty inside"

      ~ A.H. 

Fine is not a word to use to answer, it is a word that is used to avoid. When someone says that they are fine, look them in the eye and ask if they are really okay. Most of the time they will say that they are okay, but some of the time they will break down and need you to hold them. Don't think that everyone is okay just because they say that they are okay. They can be dying inside. And if they don't tell you that they aren't okay, maybe they are one of the lucky few and actually are okay. 

If you look up "I'm fine depression" you would be surprised by how many pictures that there are. Or maybe you know already how messed up the world is and you aren't even surprised in the slightest. Just keep in mind that they next time that you say those two words that maybe you aren't just fine, and that maybe you do need help. 

Picture from Picture Quotes 

Saying "I'm fine" over and over again doesn't make it true. I know that feeling that if you say it over and over again you will trick your mind into thinking that you are okay, even though you know fully well that you aren't okay or fine or whatever you are trying to trick yourself into thinking. Sometimes you just have to I've adamant that you are not okay, and that is okay. Take a day for yourself. Read, watch your favorite show, drink your favorite drink, cuddle with something, go for a walk, do
something for yourself, because you deserve it. I know that those things may not help everyone, but you do deserve a day to yourself to treat your self right, even if it is just for a few hours. 

Well now that you know "I'm fine" doesn't mean I'm fine, are you going to keep saying it, or are you going to help people who say it? 

p.s. I love you and you are a gift to this world and anyone who doesn't see that is not worth your time. 

Something Must be Wrong

People have been romanticizing anxiety for a long time now, and let me tell you now that it is anything but pretty. They go something like this:

                                                                       "Body shakes

  Heart races

  Can't think straight

  Not able to sit still

  Fidget for a hour 

  Something must be wrong

  Something must be wrong

  Stomach is turning

  Head is reeling 

  Fidget fidget

  Leg shakes

  Foot taps

  Hair is pulled

  Skin is bitten

  Flesh scratched

  Blue skin appears

  Something must be wrong

  Something must be wrong

  This is an anxiety attack."

~ A.H.

It is not something that is pretty, or something that should be remembered as being beautiful. When a person is pulling at their sleeves and rocking back and forth, it's not something to romanticize. It is a real disorder that a lot of people have, about 40 million adults in the U.S. have one form of anxiety or another.     

Picture source: Gallery Hip

In the picture above it is showing some of the symptoms of an anxiety attack. As you can tell it is not a very pretty thing, and even less fun to have. I hear this a lot "she said she had anxiety attack just to get out of class" well that may be what happened, but most of the time it is because they had an anxiety attack. Imagen having your body trembling all over, your heart racing, your brain telling you something is wrong, and that you don't sleep much or when you do sleep it is a terrible sleep that only gives you energy for an hour or two. Can you imagen that? Can you see how draining that is on a person?

Picture from: Genius

I can see that you didn't know how bad the attacks are or that you didn't know what it does to a person. But now that you know what it is like I hope you stop romanticizing it as much as you do right now. One place that is really bad with romanticizing mental illness is Tumblr. They make it seam like have depression and anxiety is the best thing in the world. And that if you have them then you can gain entrence to an all exclusive club. Let me tell you now that it is nothing as amazing as that.

You stay wake for long times wondering how you messed up that day, or freaking out over something as small as a hair out of place. You don't feel the need to eat, or you feel the need to eat everything in sight. You don't sleep, but when you do you have hellish nightmares. It is not something to strive to want. In fact once you get it, you spend most of your energy pretending to be just fine and normal, or as normal as you can be. You become an expert at faking a smile and keeping the pain out of your voice when you say "I'm fine" or "I'm okay". You take pills, just so that you won't have those thoughts in your head anymore. You feel like breaking now at any second. Your body is always trembling. Your mind is the worst place to be alone.

What is there to want? What is there to love about anxiety? 

Semicolons, Gotta Love 'em

I've been wanting to write a post about this for a while now; well here goes nothing, sorry if it sounds strange or creepy. The semicolon project is something that I have done since it first came out in 2013. So for about two years I have been drawing a semicolon on my left wrist. Sometimes I write a word (ex: warrior) and exchange the i with a semicolon. If you don't know what the semicolon project is, it is basically for people that self-harm, have depression, anxiety, or are going through a rough patch in life to help remember that their story isn't quite over just yet.

"A semicolon is used when a sentence could have been ended but it wasn't."
      - Unknown

The sentence is your life and you are the author, see it out a little long is all it means. Choose to live a little longer and prove that you can do it, show them that they were wrong. Life will throw curveballs at you and it will suck terribly bad. But there are some things that are worth living for. Music, movies, books, those friends, that one series that isn't over yet, or even that one day that hasn't come, but will come.

You can make it to the sunrise. And to the next one and the one after that. Life will try to drag you down, it is your mission to make sure that that doesn't happen. Think of it like a game. The more you stand up, the more you win. The more you stay down, the more you lose. And who likes to lose?


"Whatever you do in life will be insignificant but it's very important that you do it, cause nobody else will."
      - Gandhi

As sad as that sounds it is really true. Only some people get to be remembered for the rest of the worlds history, and only some are remembered for things that made the world a better place. Who knows maybe your smile will give someone the courage to go on that day. "Well if they can still smile and go on so can I."

Picture source: The Un-Better Half

I Really Want It

Colored hair is something that has always amazed me. I am enchanted by all the hair colors that you can dye it, the more unnatural of color the better for enchantment. What amazes me is that some people are so against dying your hair a certain color or any color besides your natural tone. Some people get a confident boost from having an odd color. Some people just want to have different hair. Some people just want to try something new. And on the idea of trying something new here is the quote of the day/week:

"Never be afraid to try something new. Remember amateurs build the ark, but professionals built the Titanic."
      -Unknown

Trying something new is part of life. Doing the same thing over and over is too, but it's not fun. The color I really really really want to dye my hair is pastel blue kinda like the pictures below, just not the one on the far right too much.

Picture from: Love This Pic

I think that this color is a very nice light color for summer. The only problem is that my Dad won't let me dye my hair. I think . . . no I know that it would be a good experience for me, or anyone for that matter, to have dyed hair when they are younger so that when they get older they know if they really want to do it. I have been wanting to dye my hair an unnatural color for a really really long time and now that I found a color I'm totally in love with, I'll do anything for my Dad so he let's me dye my hair this color (with in reason of course). 

As of right now my hair is a blonde (in the picture below) and it would be fun for a change, just for the summer. I know my hair color isn't horrible or anything, I just want to try something new.

Pic from me of my hair

I know that is is a big change, but it I really want it. Only if my Dad would let me dye my hair that amazing color. What do you think about hair colors?

His Name Was Zander

Today I have a post that isn't really about a quote per say, it is more about what people should know right now. I was just on Tumblr and I found out a 15 year old boy killed himself on the 15th of this month. On his grave his name isn't written; a name that he didn't believe in anymore. Sandra was written on his grave, not Zander. He was a trans boy and he was a shining light. I heard a story were he was very physically thirsty and he grab the first thing he could find, chocolate milk. He drank two glass and then he freaked out, because he was allergic to milk (not highly allergic, but allergic non the less).

He couldn't stand to be in a world where his parents and his school couldn't accept the fact that he was a male. They think that if you are born a girl than you stay a girl and you can't change that no matter what. I don't understand people who are co closed off to the point where they tell people that they are useless if they are not they way they are expected to be.

A good friend of mine, that is religious, said that god makes mistakes. Something just didn't work out when people who are transgender, but there is nothing wrong with them. If god can kill thousands of people then maybe he can afford make a mistake with something as simple as gender once and a while.

Form his obituary

You really should read all of the text form his obituary. Not only does it say the wrong name, it also says that there were survivors! He killed himself! There wasn't a plane crash or a house that caught on fire! He killed himself. How can there be survivors?

If you have a tumblr please do look at the tag 'his name was zander'. Don't forget him. He was a boy who loved space and who loved anime. 

What I don't understand is that Leelah blew up the internet within a couple of days. But Zander's death has only a few people who know about him. 

His name was Zander Mahaffey.

Picture from 2 Paragraphs 

Tired

Today I have a quote that has two meanings that I would like dearly to share. It's a simple quote really, one that most of us have said once or maybe multiply times. 

"I'm tired."

      - Everyone 

My first monster of the day finished.

Right now as I write this, I'm drinking a Monster trying to wake up a little more, and more importantly stay awake till karate (I have a little more than an hour left). When I was little I swore that I would never drink energy drinks and now look at me I’m drinking my second one this week. For some reason the last few days I have been tired. I've tried going to sleep earlier, doing all my homework, working-out before bed, taking a shower before bed, and eating health . . . er, but none of it is working in the least. I was soo tired today that I fell asleep during 3rd period!! I never sleep during class! 

The only reason, that I can think of, for causing me to be so tired is that I'm stressed out, about what I'm not too sure. We all have those times where we can’t sleep, I guess. It seams that no matter how many hours I sleep I’m still tired. 

The other meaning behind being tired is that you are just tired with life and just want to curl up in a ball and sleep for the whole day, and it’s not about lack of sleep. Right now I have a little of that too, just a little of it though, because life, at times, can get a little too stressing and when that happens we tend to want to take a brake, or I do at least. 

Picture courtesy of Tee's Seasons of Life

Being tired is a horrible feeling. You want to stop feeling it, but at the same time you wouldn't know what you would do if you stopped feeling tired. That is all you know. That is all you think you can know and you think you deserve it.  Well, I'm going to tell you this: you don't deserve it. No matter how bad you think you messed up and how bad you just want to give up, don't. Show them that they are wrong, and that you can do it. That is what I'm doing right now. I'm proving them wrong. If I can do it you certainly can do it.

That went off my main goal of telling you about the quote, but I think achieved  something greater than what I set out to  achieve. 

Update: I’m on my second Monster and my body is shaking so much right now. This is why I hate energy drinks. Apparently mental illnesses and caffeine are not a hugely-great-combination.

What's the Escape?

I don't know about you guys but I'm a HUGE reader. I read most mornings and most evenings, if I'm on my phone the chances are that I'm reading. After all, life can get way to hard for me to deal with, reading is my escape; my way to forget all my worries and just not remember anything for a while (besides the story line of course).

Picture source: Robert E. Stutts

"Reading is escape, and the opposite of escape; it's a way to make contact with realty after a day of making things up, and it's a way of making contact with someones else's imagination after a day that's all too real."
-Nora Ephron

Escape from life is needed from time to time, we can't just keep going on without a break. That is why a lot of people workout, why they write, or why they watch tv for long periods of time. Reading is just a way of going to a place that is make believe and not having to deal with life for a while.

But at the same time it is a way to get away from a day that seamed made up and fake. When the day is too hard to believe, I read. I disappear into a world filled with magic, strange beings, romance, trouble, basically . . . anything to get my mind off of the day I just had

Just a couple of days ago, my life was turned upside down. I didn't know what was going to happen to me, I was confused and lost. So, I read. I didn't have to worry about anything for a while, all I had to think about was the story and that is it. When it was my time to return to reality all the troubles didn't seam as bad, they seamed far away in a land that didn't effect anymore.

Reading takes me away from all the pain I feel. I don't have to worry about anything for that small period of time. It's nice.

What's so hard?

My mess of a something

I love to work with my hands so lately I have been getting into trying to teach myself how to crochet with only the interweb to help guide me. It's free to say that all I have learned in a two day time spanned is how to sc, ch, and dc (single, chain, and double), how to mess up a lot, and how to unravel more than half of what I was working on. Crochet looks really simple! I mean a loop here, another there, what's so hard about doing that? A lot!


Half the time I just want to give up and go make a kandi bracelet, or go make a friendship bracelet, but I know that in the end I will be happy I learned how to do this. So for right now I'm going to drive myself insane and go and want to give up everyday, but I won't.

There is a saying that goes:

"Whether you think you can, or think you can't, you are right."
      ~ Henry Ford

You guys have all heard something along the lines like this, but I think this hits home a little more. Don't believe you can do it, you have slim chances of doing it. Think you can, and you can do it no matter how bad it is.  Most times in life it is getting it done that counts, not how you do it.

I'm not going to give up on learning how to make a hat or throw. You shouldn't give up on what you want. Just today I was at a GSA meeting and this girl randomly ran in and screamed, "I DID IT!! I GOT INTO YALE!! THE FOUR YEARS OF HELL WERE SOO WORTH IT!!"

If you want to do something, don't just want make it happen.

Couldn't DEICED

I deiced, since I couldn't decide on a single quote, that I would look up three different kinds of quotes and pick the first one I see from each kind and go from there. So here is the first one in the kind "popular quotes."

"Don't think of yourself as an ugly person. Think of yourself as a beautiful monkey."
      - Unknown

I'm not kidding. That was the first one to pop up. At first I thought it was going to be a very nice and sentimental quote, but then the monkey part came up and that thought went out the window for a moment. I thought about if for a second and then I realized that it is true (I'm having a very slow day today). If you believe in humans evolving from primates, we are all very beautiful creatures, cause all nature is beautiful. But, in that same line of thought why don't some creatures think we/they are ugly. We are all nature, even when we deiced to go against the nature that we all know.

The second quote is very different from the first one from the "change quotes" type thingy.

"The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on flighting the old, but on building the new."
      - Socrates

I can't really say that I disagree with this quote that much, in fact I total agree! *hint hint sarcasm sarcasm* I really distaste this quote, but I must say it does have a ring of truth to it. But, remembering the past helps you change, I get that you shouldn't fight it, but the feeling I'm getting from this quote is that you should just up leave your past. First, that is practically impossible to do. Second, giving all your energy is not going to help at all. I say to remember your past, but not let it control you. Think about your past now and then, remember why you are the way you are right now.

The third quote is a "Sherlock quote", I just started the BBC show and am loving it.

"The little things are infinitely the most important."
      - Sherlock Holmes

I do agree in a way that small things are very important, and not just because Sherlock said it. If it wasn't for the little things no one would remember anyone's birthday or the fact that they love the color green or yellow or what ever it is. People wouldn't feel the need to put makeup on and authors wouldn't up tiny details in the books they write. While little things aren't the most import, they sure do make life more exciting.

A little thing that makes life interesting.

Picture from Viral Update. Look at the link. Trust me. 

Proven Quote

I looked down today and saw one of my necklaces; it has a music note on it and a quote. The quote is one that I prove right everyday.

"Music speaks what cannot be expressed, soothes the mind and gives it rest, heals the heart and makes it whole, flows from Heaven to the soul. "
       - Unknown


(With my music a lot of people says it sounds like the devil is screaming.) Music is a constant in my life. With music I feel like noting can hurt me . . . . well sometimes I feel like that. (Random fact: in my friend group taking out/off our headphones is punishable by a strong smack to the shoulder.) Music is something that I have with me at all times. If you don't see me with headphones something is wrong with me, that or they are hidden in my shirt because I just got out of class.

Music is something that can change a person's mood, very quickly. A lot of people I know listen to loud music when they are angry at the world and need to let out some steam, or listen to sad music when they not feeling so great. One of my friends has panic attacks, so she'll listen to music to calm herself down. My favorite songs are songs that I can connect with. If you ever heard "Waiting for Superman" by Daughtry, you kind of have an idea of what I'm saying.

Sometimes when my depression gets really bad, I'll just sit on my bed and listen to some music that tells a sad story. Let's admit it, if you listen to someone tell story a story, it usually sounds better in a song. Not only is it shorter, but it also has a beat, they is just something about it that makes it ten times better.

I don't know about the "flows from Heaven" part, 'cause some music doesn't sound too happy or too "heavenly". But, it deffently does help the soul. Sometimes I can't 'eat enough of music'.

Picture source: Fine Dinning Lovers.

The Truth?

We all have those days where we just want to curl up in a ball and not do anything for a while. We all have those day where all we want to do is just sleep, not because we are tired, but we just don't want to be awake. (I don't know about you guys but I have days where all I want to do is curl up in a ball in a dark conner and read or watch a show.) Life brings us down every once and a while, that's just what it does. That's what it's good at.

Picture source: Teen Ink

Dear the person who put suicide is 100% preventable on the internet,


You are a gullible imbecile. If someone is really suicidal you can't stop them. Yes, maybe you can postpone the undeniable fact that they are going to end up dead by their own hand. But, in the end they will walk in front of a car, knowing fully well how much that is going hurt, when you are with them. If you try to shelter them from the world, they are just going to be more depressed. No matter what you do, you can't change the fact that they are suicidal.

On the note of being depressed and suicidal, here's a quote I've seen a lot on Tumblr.

"If I killed myself tonight, the stars would still appear, the sun would still come out, the earth would still rotate, the seasons would still change . . . so why not?"
              - Unknown

While that is all true, it is also true that you dying may make those things seam very useless. Without you, their reason for living and breathing is gone.  All they may want to do now is curl up in a ball and stay there for the rest of their life timespan. Nothing may seam important to them anymore, and all they want to do is see you again.

It's okay to be suicidal, but it is not okay to say that everything would be fine without you in the world. You don't know how they feel. The people that bully you my say that the world would be better without you in it, but they don't know that for sure. A person that you don't know that well may have a crush on you, they don't want you gone. A teacher that treats you harshly, may just want to see more of how amazing you are. They definitely don't want you gone

I'm not trying to guilt you into not dying, just think about all the people that you are leaving behind. All the people that will miss you.

Life does got too much to handle sometimes, I know. But there has to be at least one reason, no matter how pathetic it sounds, to stay in this lifetime. Maybe you want too see how that one character ends up. Or maybe you want to help someone, anyone, that was in your position. Maybe it could be to see who wins the Super Bowl.

No matter how weird your reason may sound, or how insane it is, it is a reason. And they are hard to come by.