I'm . . . . Fine?

"I'm fine" is something that I hear almost everyday. And I hate it. To a person that suffers with depression it doesn't mean what everyone else thinks it does. To me, and other people, it is a to get people to stop asking if we are okay. It's a way to tell people that we are dying inside without telling anyone we are. It's not just a response that is 'okay'.

"I'm fine 

F:alling apart 

I:nsecure 

N:ot good enough, ever 

E:mpty inside"

      ~ A.H. 

Fine is not a word to use to answer, it is a word that is used to avoid. When someone says that they are fine, look them in the eye and ask if they are really okay. Most of the time they will say that they are okay, but some of the time they will break down and need you to hold them. Don't think that everyone is okay just because they say that they are okay. They can be dying inside. And if they don't tell you that they aren't okay, maybe they are one of the lucky few and actually are okay. 

If you look up "I'm fine depression" you would be surprised by how many pictures that there are. Or maybe you know already how messed up the world is and you aren't even surprised in the slightest. Just keep in mind that they next time that you say those two words that maybe you aren't just fine, and that maybe you do need help. 

Picture from Picture Quotes 

Saying "I'm fine" over and over again doesn't make it true. I know that feeling that if you say it over and over again you will trick your mind into thinking that you are okay, even though you know fully well that you aren't okay or fine or whatever you are trying to trick yourself into thinking. Sometimes you just have to I've adamant that you are not okay, and that is okay. Take a day for yourself. Read, watch your favorite show, drink your favorite drink, cuddle with something, go for a walk, do
something for yourself, because you deserve it. I know that those things may not help everyone, but you do deserve a day to yourself to treat your self right, even if it is just for a few hours. 

Well now that you know "I'm fine" doesn't mean I'm fine, are you going to keep saying it, or are you going to help people who say it? 

p.s. I love you and you are a gift to this world and anyone who doesn't see that is not worth your time. 

My Journey

I started off this blog with one of my favorite quotes and after a while I started running out of quotes to use. I went into the internet and grabbed random ones from there. I have tried to not use the same topic twice, but I did. I somehow combined topics of posts together and made something . . . . well very like me. Strange and different. My blog didn't just only get better, but I had my friends in real life say that I have changed and became more open, about my life and things that go on in it.

I can't really say that my blog got better, but I can say that I feel like it has. We all know saying and feeling like it, is different. This post is short about that is about all I can say about this topic.

Something Must be Wrong

People have been romanticizing anxiety for a long time now, and let me tell you now that it is anything but pretty. They go something like this:

                                                                       "Body shakes

  Heart races

  Can't think straight

  Not able to sit still

  Fidget for a hour 

  Something must be wrong

  Something must be wrong

  Stomach is turning

  Head is reeling 

  Fidget fidget

  Leg shakes

  Foot taps

  Hair is pulled

  Skin is bitten

  Flesh scratched

  Blue skin appears

  Something must be wrong

  Something must be wrong

  This is an anxiety attack."

~ A.H.

It is not something that is pretty, or something that should be remembered as being beautiful. When a person is pulling at their sleeves and rocking back and forth, it's not something to romanticize. It is a real disorder that a lot of people have, about 40 million adults in the U.S. have one form of anxiety or another.     

Picture source: Gallery Hip

In the picture above it is showing some of the symptoms of an anxiety attack. As you can tell it is not a very pretty thing, and even less fun to have. I hear this a lot "she said she had anxiety attack just to get out of class" well that may be what happened, but most of the time it is because they had an anxiety attack. Imagen having your body trembling all over, your heart racing, your brain telling you something is wrong, and that you don't sleep much or when you do sleep it is a terrible sleep that only gives you energy for an hour or two. Can you imagen that? Can you see how draining that is on a person?

Picture from: Genius

I can see that you didn't know how bad the attacks are or that you didn't know what it does to a person. But now that you know what it is like I hope you stop romanticizing it as much as you do right now. One place that is really bad with romanticizing mental illness is Tumblr. They make it seam like have depression and anxiety is the best thing in the world. And that if you have them then you can gain entrence to an all exclusive club. Let me tell you now that it is nothing as amazing as that.

You stay wake for long times wondering how you messed up that day, or freaking out over something as small as a hair out of place. You don't feel the need to eat, or you feel the need to eat everything in sight. You don't sleep, but when you do you have hellish nightmares. It is not something to strive to want. In fact once you get it, you spend most of your energy pretending to be just fine and normal, or as normal as you can be. You become an expert at faking a smile and keeping the pain out of your voice when you say "I'm fine" or "I'm okay". You take pills, just so that you won't have those thoughts in your head anymore. You feel like breaking now at any second. Your body is always trembling. Your mind is the worst place to be alone.

What is there to want? What is there to love about anxiety? 

Semicolons, Gotta Love 'em

I've been wanting to write a post about this for a while now; well here goes nothing, sorry if it sounds strange or creepy. The semicolon project is something that I have done since it first came out in 2013. So for about two years I have been drawing a semicolon on my left wrist. Sometimes I write a word (ex: warrior) and exchange the i with a semicolon. If you don't know what the semicolon project is, it is basically for people that self-harm, have depression, anxiety, or are going through a rough patch in life to help remember that their story isn't quite over just yet.

"A semicolon is used when a sentence could have been ended but it wasn't."
      - Unknown

The sentence is your life and you are the author, see it out a little long is all it means. Choose to live a little longer and prove that you can do it, show them that they were wrong. Life will throw curveballs at you and it will suck terribly bad. But there are some things that are worth living for. Music, movies, books, those friends, that one series that isn't over yet, or even that one day that hasn't come, but will come.

You can make it to the sunrise. And to the next one and the one after that. Life will try to drag you down, it is your mission to make sure that that doesn't happen. Think of it like a game. The more you stand up, the more you win. The more you stay down, the more you lose. And who likes to lose?


"Whatever you do in life will be insignificant but it's very important that you do it, cause nobody else will."
      - Gandhi

As sad as that sounds it is really true. Only some people get to be remembered for the rest of the worlds history, and only some are remembered for things that made the world a better place. Who knows maybe your smile will give someone the courage to go on that day. "Well if they can still smile and go on so can I."

Picture source: The Un-Better Half